There is a strange paradox to our experiencing being used and abused without our consent. I remember my first time being bound and gagged and raped and beaten. The fear, vulnerability, shame, guilt and physical, emotional, mental and existential pain were the most intense of my whole life. The experience was intensely traumatic and triggered all sorts of psychological pathologies inside me. I felt totally broken and shattered in all dimensions of my being. Yet at the same time, the whole experience haunted me in a strangely erotic way. I began to erotically yearn to be raped again. I masturbated to the traumatic memories over and over. I finally ended up putting myself in situations where I could be raped. And was actually raped several more times. After awhile the fear, vulnerability, shame, guilt and pain were no long sources of suffering but had become sources of erotic joy. Because of all this I reached a state of no longer being afraid of anything and everything in existence became an erotic experience...and I achieved a state of erotically blissful enlightenment...a state I call "Broken Bliss"...
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